Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
