Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
