Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
