Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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