I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
