it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
did i just pee glitter
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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