We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
