I just saw a hot homeless man
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
barbara walters just said penis...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
how does that bad decision feel?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
