Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
