Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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