he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
