Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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