Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
