so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
