I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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