He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
