i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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