He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
