I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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