I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
