walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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