Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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