Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're making bets on your personal life
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
