I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
