How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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