I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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