well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
