Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
