Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
