How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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