I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
