I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
