Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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