i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
