I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
