I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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