Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
