You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
