My first STD was from a foam party
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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