Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
