woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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