me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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