I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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