I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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