I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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