What did we do last night that was yellow?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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