Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh god it's open bar.
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