dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
