Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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