Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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