sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
